“Bringing up Bebe: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting” by Pamela Druckerman

“Bringing up Bebe: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting” by Pamela Druckerman

I will come right out with it – I have no idea why I decided to read this book. I am not bringing up babies anymore. I have no desire to bring up babies in France. Frankly, I am not all that interested in even visiting France. I don’t remember why I choose to read it, but there it is. If I could explain half the things I do, I count that a good day.

That said, it was an interesting read. Author Pamela Druckerman is an expatriate living and raising a family in Paris and she quickly realized how different French mothers parent than American mothers. She talks about everything from choosing obstetricians to choosing preschools and all that goes on in between.  She mentions many ways in that the French and the Americans raise children differently and how they bristle and are sometimes appalled at each other.

There were parts of the book I found interesting but we are too far along in ages to implement them – teaching children to sleep through the night by two months old (if not earlier), introducing foods and expecting a child to eat what is put in front of them (including pate and foie gras), getting back in shape almost immediately post-baby, day care, etc. As I read these parts, I thought “oh well! Too late! I already did my eight months of not sleeping through the night!”  But as the author points out, the theory that overrides many of these issues goes to the heart of raising children through the years and the pattern that is begun in their first few weeks will continue through childhood and beyond to where it becomes part of the adult’s routine – and then one they implement when they have their own children.

Like many scenarios, people agree in theory but not in practice. Just take a look at how Americans responded to Amy Chau’s “Battle of the Tiger Mother.” “Yes, I want my child to be a person that excels…but whoa! Making them practice for hours and hours when they don’t want to? That is going too far.” The same could be said for “Bringing up Bebe” and French parenting – some things will seem just too strict, too over the top, too distanced. And yet it works in this society, so might as well take a look.

The French parent is a big believer in empowering their child. Now, Americans would say we are as well and would be offended if that is questioned. But if how this implemented is looked at, Americans would shun the way the French put this into practice. French parents let their babies cry and self-sooth to the point where the child is sleeping through the night at a few weeks old. Parents put their children on a feeding schedule like one an adult keeps – three meals a day with an afternoon snack. This includes children who are bottle-fed (nursing is not nearly employed in France as it is here).

The French also believe that the child should never be the center of anyone’s life. Again, I think Americans would agree until they see the specifics. A child is taught to wait very early on – that may mean while their mom finishing the dishes before picking them up. It may also mean crying for a while before they are fed. It means not interrupting an adult conversation. It means playing or reading alone until they are allowed to interact. “To wait” is a very important part of raising French children and, frankly, I think American children need to learn this skill. There is a lack of patience and consideration and an “immediacy” to our kids that will not always be common for them and I am concerned how they will react when they are told “wait” for the first time in their lives when they are 18 years old – a bit of a stretch, yes, but you get my point.

The mothers do not want to “lose themselves” just because they are now mothers – again, American women agree that this is necessary, and yet the implementing would cause great judgment. A great number of parents put their children in day care, called crèche. This government-funded day care starts very early in life (a few months old) and most parents take advantage of it even if the mom does not work.  This also means French mothers are careful with their pregnancy weight gain and drop it as soon as possible afterwards – they do not give themselves the cushion (pun intended?) that American mothers do. They want to look their best for themselves and their husbands and return to their fashionable selves as soon as possible (not that they ever go “out of fashion” during pregnancy).

French parents treat their children as people, not as lumps that cannot do anything for themselves or lack the ability to understand reasoning. To an extent, they expect their children to fend for themselves by figuring out action and consequence, push though eating a meal they are not happy about. This requires a bit of detachment from the parents’ part, but not a shunning. They are firm and clear but with love. They are strict, but within the parameters there is great freedom.

This is in conflict with our American constant helping-hand parenting. We are involved parents – but the book questions if we are too involved. Is our identity wrapped in our children and our marriages and individual lives suffer for it? Yes, there are times things have to go on the backburner so that our kids can get to soccer practice or we miss a Bible study due to a sick child, but have we near-eliminated our lives to be our children’s chauffeurs, party-planners, volunteers for all their activities and classrooms? Or are we resentful about it and yet don’t make the change? Do we wear our “I am >so< busy with my children!” as a proud martyrdom when it is actually overtaking our lives to the point where our children expect us to drop all to serve them? I think we have all seen young adults who just can’t seem to grow up and parents whose lives continue to revolve around their fully grown children.

Another tough question that came up that really convicted me was if I am a “yes” mom or a “no” mom. That doesn’t mean that we say “yes” to everything and our children have no guidelines and are never denied their desires. Instead, it meant that “no” become the instant reflex response. Do I say “no” so often that when I really have to mean “no” that it has lost its weight? Do my kids expect a “no” answer much more than a “yes” answer? This cut to the heart as I know that is true. I say “no” to my kids for selfish reasons, out of frustration and just to stop the talking.

My friend Tara brought the book “Playful Parenting” by Lawrence Cohen to my attention and when I flipped to the index and saw “no, saying, 154-59, 176,” I had a mixed emotion. First was “whew! They know this is an issue and are here to help!” and then “wait! Five pages! I must really be messed up!” and then “thank God I am not alone in this and there is someone who tell me what to do.” It convinced me that “the constant parade of no” is not helping my kids – they think I am a downer and I am not giving them the skills to think through things on their own. I am on my way to losing my “Fun Mom” badge. I must put this into practice immediately and set a new goal for summer that turns into our normal lives. Pray for me.

So, the book is interesting and if you are just raising infants, toddlers and preschoolers, you may get some new information. But like any book on raising children, don’t let it overwhelm you with “I am doing it all wrong!!!” What works in France is going to be hard to implement here merely because you could be the only one doing it. To take you kid to a play date at a friend’s house and tell the parents that they cannot have a cookie because they are not allowed to eat for another three hours is near impossible. But perhaps empowering our children earlier in life instead of hand-holding too long is not a bad idea. I will give the French that much.

“To Marry an English Lord…Or, How Anglo-Mania Really Got Started” by Gail MacColl

“To Marry an English Lord…Or, How Anglo-Mania Really Got Started” by Gail MacColl

Like many an American woman, I have been swept by “Downton Abbey” fever. I watched season one and then hooked as many of my friends into it as I possibly could. The “if I am going down, I am taking everyone with me” mentality. Season two was even more fun as my texting prowess rivaled my daughter’s as my friend Tara and I went back and forth every episode, culminating with a season finale party with several Bible study friends. Yes, Anglo-mania was in full force with me.

Near the end of the season, I watched an interview with the show’s creator and writer, Julian Fellowes. He said that the idea for the miniseries came about as he read To Marry an English Lord by Gail MacColl, an entertaining book about an era where American women married British men in droves. The character that began it all was Cora, the American who married into the British family, and “Downton Abbey” was born.

As I watched the show, I thought the idea of the lone American was strange, so to realize that practice was common in the late 1800s was fascinating. So picked up the book and the research geek in me was thrilled with all the amazing information. Yet, this book is not academic at all – it is a fun read that is easy to flip through, put down and pick up when you can, or read straight through if you have the time.

In the late 1800s, Americans had come around to being fascinated by Europe and its people. Its royalty, the formality of their lives, the titles that were handed down generation to generation. In turn, Europeans was fascinated by Americans – their freedoms, their opinionated women, their “newness.” Vacationing in Europe for the very wealthy was fashionable and young women often visited with their mothers. During these visits, a purpose rang out – to secure the best marriage possible. These women were called The Buccaneers and they included names such as Vanderbilt, Astor, Jerome, and the daughter of Marshall Field (stay proud, Chicago). The American heiress whose father had made an exorbitant amount of money could not buy the one thing that interested them – a title. European families that were once wealthy retained their titles, but since no one actually worked, there was no income to sustain the title and its prominence. Many went broke by how often they had to entertain the king and throw enormous parties on his behalf. They needed funding. “For [the titled Europeans], the American heiress was more than a mere novelty, more than just spice to be added to the endless round of dinner parties, house parties, receptions and teas. To them, she was salvation. They intended to get their hands on all that American money and see that it was spent right there in London” (p95).

The book explains clearly and easily how these matches were made, both in theory and in detail of actual marriages and relationships. The author tells of while the wives gained titles, notoriety and a public’s interest in her life, she lost a lot of freedoms she was accustomed to in America, often lived in enormous cold homes with her husband’s entire family, and was without her community and creature comforts. On the other hand, the husband retained his normal life, but could now support his mistresses better and was without the pressure to marry and have children. Some marriages were successful and many saw a partnership still unheard of in America (especially if the spouses were equally interested in politics). Many accepted marriages as a partnership where each got what they wanted (money and title) and agreed to live separate lives, even having children with other partners.

The book is not dry but filled with interesting facts and information. It features several photos on each page, showing the families, the most famous of the Buccaneers, the gowns and jewelry, the expectations,  etc. Throughout the book are little pieces of insider knowledge for living in Europe, labeled as “comme il faut” (“it is necessary, proper”): “When out driving with his mistress, a gentleman places her at his left hand so that everyone he meets will know she is not his wife;” “Friendly American curiosity – ‘How many brothers do you have? Do you know many people in New York?’ – is considered rudely intrusive in England.” “Gentlemen eat oatmeal standing up.” Well, so do I, but I am usually running out the door. That just shows my American-ness and some of the rules and expectations are fascinating to an upright oatmeal eater like myself.

If you want to know more about the world of “Downton Abbey” and just find the rigid English life interesting, you will really enjoy this book. And my favorite fact from the book – Winston Churchill, the great English leader, was a product of this era. His father was a titled Brit and his mom an American heiress. Something about that makes me think I could hold my head a bit higher next time I visit London – Winston is half ours, so don’t act so high and mighty!

"The Magic Room: A Story about the Love We Wish for our Daughters" by Jeffrey Zaslow

The Magic Room: A Story about the Love We Wish for our Daughters by Jeffrey Zaslow

I read a review of this book and picked it up from the library – I leafed through it quickly to see it was a nonfiction story written by a man with three daughters and how he cannot help but think about that one day they will marry and how he wishes love for them. Two days later, author Jeffrey Zaslow died in a car accident at the age of 53. To know his last book focused on his deepest desires for his daughters – that they would find love – is both heartbreaking and touching.

Many know Jeffrey Zaslow as the author of The Last Lecture with Randy Pausch, The Girls from Ames, Highest Duty with Captain Chesley Sullenberger, and Gabby: A Story of Courage and Hope with Gabrielle Giffords and Mark Kelly. Zaslow had a gift for finding people who were not extraordinary by birth, by inheritance or a searching for fame effort – he introduces the world to people who were often put in our vision due to extraordinary circumstances or beautiful choices in life. Whether it was a college professor’s whose dying words to his children changes the lives of people he never met; or a congresswoman who made front page news for being viciously targeted and yet fought to live; or an airplane pilot who stunned America as he made an emergency landing in the Hudson River; or a group of women who forged a sisterhood that lasted their lifetime – Zaslow made a difference in his writing and he leaves a sad void in American storytelling.

The Magic Room is no different. In his desire to write a story about a father’s love for his daughters, Zaslow wanted to put into words a story “about how all of us can best show love to our daughters today.” In searching where to find such a story and its setting, his wife was talking about her own father’s effort to drive her and her wedding dress over 600 miles – 320 miles to get the dress and 320 back home. She off-handedly remarked “there is something about the dress…” and Zaslow was convinced that a bridal shop was the focal point he was searching for to set his story.  He wrote that his story was in a sort of foreknowledge that one day he will miss his daughters as they get married and wrote of “the sort of love we wish for our daughters. Men who will feel that way when our daughters are not with them.”

Zaslow found his setting in Becker’s Bridal. The shop is located in Fowler, Michigan, population just over 1,000 – and the bridal shop has twice as many dresses. It is “the” bridal shop for a great area of Michigan and has been owned and run by four generations of women in the Becker family since 1934. It defines institution. One of Becker’s prize features is the Magic Room. Part of the shop is in a former bank and the old vault has been covered in mirrors with fabulous lighting and once a bride-to-be thinks she may have found “the dress,” she is taken to the Magic Room. Tears flow, excitement abounds and the deal is almost always sealed.

Zaslow tells the story of each generation of owners, speaking a great deal with the current owner and her daughter who works there as well. The stories of brides are interspersed throughout – young women in their 20s, a woman on her second marriage trying to blend two families, a bride-to-be in a car accident that impacts her wedding, engaged career women, pregnant brides, hometown girls, girls whose mothers and grandmothers also bought their dresses at Beckers. But the stories are not merely about their dress or planning their wedding – they talk about how they got to where they are, the pain they have endured, their ideas of marriage.

While Zaslow writes about the day-to-day life of a bridal shop, he doesn’t stop there – he writes about the state of marriage today, the different roles played in the process of joining two people and planning a wedding, how today’s culture meets the institution of marriage. It is a story of larger implications than just a store. He goes against the cultural grain in stating that our culture’s focus on romance and individual needs are actually a determent to marriage. The in-the-trenches part of marriage is not plowed through nearly as it was generations ago and the divorce rate proves it. He nailed it with this remark: “Couples are more successful in marriage if they see themselves as helpmates rather than soul mates.” (p20) He cites several statistics that prove that fighting for a marriage to work is profitable and worth it. As a father of three daughters, I can see why he thought this part of his story was so important – don’t merely focus on the wedding, but think of the marriage. He seems to believe that, unlike the 39% of people polled for a research study that stated that “marriage is ‘becoming obsolete,’” marriage is worth it and necessary (p23). As for me as a parent, I don’t want to simply wish my kids luck in their marriage and cross my fingers it will work out – I want them to know it is vow and a commitment that survives during good times but especially during the hard times. I found the parts of the book that are pro-marriage refreshing, mostly because that is not a popular sentiment today. There is a reality to marriage beyond the wedding.

He tells of the salespeople guiding mothers-of-the-bride toward dresses that will give them some excitement for the day instead of forcing herself to “go dowdy” – “Most mothers smile at [the salesmen who tells them they are beautiful and deserve to look good that day too], almost relieved, as they step away from the grandmother gowns and reassess their visions of themselves.” (p62)

He tells how the bridezilla phenomenon has grown due to reality shows and young girls with the on-demand and “I deserve” mentality: “Though a lot of brides are lovely and respectful, the stereotype of the dictatorial bride exists because it’s often true. Part of it is the stress of all they need to accomplish before their wedding. But there’s also more of a cultural sense of entitlement that seems to increase every year. A wedding has become the moment in a woman’s life where she can vocally and endlessly obsess about herself, and no one calls her on it.” (p57)

I am sad that the Zaslow canon is complete – when I read his work, he changes the way I think and feel. But I am happy that he was able to write a story for his girls and to leave them with his wish for them to find great love. What a wonderful last word from a father.

 

I recommend the book very much—it is my favorite of his books. And, really, who doesn’t find weddings and brides and their stories interesting?