"The Magic Room: A Story about the Love We Wish for our Daughters" by Jeffrey Zaslow

The Magic Room: A Story about the Love We Wish for our Daughters by Jeffrey Zaslow

I read a review of this book and picked it up from the library – I leafed through it quickly to see it was a nonfiction story written by a man with three daughters and how he cannot help but think about that one day they will marry and how he wishes love for them. Two days later, author Jeffrey Zaslow died in a car accident at the age of 53. To know his last book focused on his deepest desires for his daughters – that they would find love – is both heartbreaking and touching.

Many know Jeffrey Zaslow as the author of The Last Lecture with Randy Pausch, The Girls from Ames, Highest Duty with Captain Chesley Sullenberger, and Gabby: A Story of Courage and Hope with Gabrielle Giffords and Mark Kelly. Zaslow had a gift for finding people who were not extraordinary by birth, by inheritance or a searching for fame effort – he introduces the world to people who were often put in our vision due to extraordinary circumstances or beautiful choices in life. Whether it was a college professor’s whose dying words to his children changes the lives of people he never met; or a congresswoman who made front page news for being viciously targeted and yet fought to live; or an airplane pilot who stunned America as he made an emergency landing in the Hudson River; or a group of women who forged a sisterhood that lasted their lifetime – Zaslow made a difference in his writing and he leaves a sad void in American storytelling.

The Magic Room is no different. In his desire to write a story about a father’s love for his daughters, Zaslow wanted to put into words a story “about how all of us can best show love to our daughters today.” In searching where to find such a story and its setting, his wife was talking about her own father’s effort to drive her and her wedding dress over 600 miles – 320 miles to get the dress and 320 back home. She off-handedly remarked “there is something about the dress…” and Zaslow was convinced that a bridal shop was the focal point he was searching for to set his story.  He wrote that his story was in a sort of foreknowledge that one day he will miss his daughters as they get married and wrote of “the sort of love we wish for our daughters. Men who will feel that way when our daughters are not with them.”

Zaslow found his setting in Becker’s Bridal. The shop is located in Fowler, Michigan, population just over 1,000 – and the bridal shop has twice as many dresses. It is “the” bridal shop for a great area of Michigan and has been owned and run by four generations of women in the Becker family since 1934. It defines institution. One of Becker’s prize features is the Magic Room. Part of the shop is in a former bank and the old vault has been covered in mirrors with fabulous lighting and once a bride-to-be thinks she may have found “the dress,” she is taken to the Magic Room. Tears flow, excitement abounds and the deal is almost always sealed.

Zaslow tells the story of each generation of owners, speaking a great deal with the current owner and her daughter who works there as well. The stories of brides are interspersed throughout – young women in their 20s, a woman on her second marriage trying to blend two families, a bride-to-be in a car accident that impacts her wedding, engaged career women, pregnant brides, hometown girls, girls whose mothers and grandmothers also bought their dresses at Beckers. But the stories are not merely about their dress or planning their wedding – they talk about how they got to where they are, the pain they have endured, their ideas of marriage.

While Zaslow writes about the day-to-day life of a bridal shop, he doesn’t stop there – he writes about the state of marriage today, the different roles played in the process of joining two people and planning a wedding, how today’s culture meets the institution of marriage. It is a story of larger implications than just a store. He goes against the cultural grain in stating that our culture’s focus on romance and individual needs are actually a determent to marriage. The in-the-trenches part of marriage is not plowed through nearly as it was generations ago and the divorce rate proves it. He nailed it with this remark: “Couples are more successful in marriage if they see themselves as helpmates rather than soul mates.” (p20) He cites several statistics that prove that fighting for a marriage to work is profitable and worth it. As a father of three daughters, I can see why he thought this part of his story was so important – don’t merely focus on the wedding, but think of the marriage. He seems to believe that, unlike the 39% of people polled for a research study that stated that “marriage is ‘becoming obsolete,’” marriage is worth it and necessary (p23). As for me as a parent, I don’t want to simply wish my kids luck in their marriage and cross my fingers it will work out – I want them to know it is vow and a commitment that survives during good times but especially during the hard times. I found the parts of the book that are pro-marriage refreshing, mostly because that is not a popular sentiment today. There is a reality to marriage beyond the wedding.

He tells of the salespeople guiding mothers-of-the-bride toward dresses that will give them some excitement for the day instead of forcing herself to “go dowdy” – “Most mothers smile at [the salesmen who tells them they are beautiful and deserve to look good that day too], almost relieved, as they step away from the grandmother gowns and reassess their visions of themselves.” (p62)

He tells how the bridezilla phenomenon has grown due to reality shows and young girls with the on-demand and “I deserve” mentality: “Though a lot of brides are lovely and respectful, the stereotype of the dictatorial bride exists because it’s often true. Part of it is the stress of all they need to accomplish before their wedding. But there’s also more of a cultural sense of entitlement that seems to increase every year. A wedding has become the moment in a woman’s life where she can vocally and endlessly obsess about herself, and no one calls her on it.” (p57)

I am sad that the Zaslow canon is complete – when I read his work, he changes the way I think and feel. But I am happy that he was able to write a story for his girls and to leave them with his wish for them to find great love. What a wonderful last word from a father.

 

I recommend the book very much—it is my favorite of his books. And, really, who doesn’t find weddings and brides and their stories interesting?

“Are you There God? It’s Me, Margaret” by Judy Blume

"Are you There God? It’s Me, Margaret” by Judy Blume

Is there a middle class girl who grew up in the 1970s and 1980s who did not get a bootlegged copy of “Are you There God? It’s Me, Margaret”? I suppose some girls had the book on their shelves or hidden in their closet, but it seemed that most of us borrowed it – either from one of the previously mentioned girls or from the one really brave girl who checked it out of the library (the days before self-check out!) and quickly passed it around the clan.

I ran across this title when I read Scholastic’s recently released 100 Best Books list: http://www.scholastic.com/100books/   I was stunned to see that the “Little House” books had been removed, as well as some Dr. Seuss books. But there was good old Judy Blume and her shocker of a book. I thought: “it has been forever since I read that book and I can’t remember what was so bad about it.” I posted that on my Facebook page and got many similar responses – along with a few “read it and tell me about it!”

With the boldness of a 40-year-old woman, I checked out the book at my local library. I honestly didn’t remember why it was so scandalous – something with a first period, getting a bra, boys maybe? And why did parents hate it so? And, frankly, I can’t remember my mom ever even mentioning the book (or any of her books), but I just knew that it was a book you did not want to get caught holding. (And yet, when Noa had to read Blume’s “Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing” for Battle of the Books in fourth grade, I gasped a bit. Not because that is a bad book, but I find Judy Blume is a slippery slope. It starts with “Tales…” and moves to “Are you There God?...” and then quickly to “Blubber” and then before you know it – “Forever”!!!

Short refresher: Margaret is a 6^th grade girl (when 6^th grade was still elementary school) who moves to New Jersey from New York. She is an only child and the book navigates her year as she falls in with three other girls who call themselves the Four PTS’s (pre-teen sensations!!) and deals with her extended family drama. You may remember the girls’ nightly “exercises” (“we must, we must, we must increase our bust!”) and Margaret’s struggle with trying to figure out if she is “any religion.” Of course, not much depth to the book, but it hits on many things. For the sake of dear Judy, I will begin with the positives:

The author does try to assure girls that what they are dealing with is normal: the awkwardness of simultaneously wanting to be grown up but also fearing it; the desperate desire for a bra, especially before your friends get theirs; the crying fits and boys who suddenly catch their eye; the unfortunate queen bee syndrome that hits in pre-adolescents. For those things, I will give Judy Blume credit – she makes a young girl go “whew! I thought I was the only one!” Some parents may not want their kid reading about this information and I get that – but it should encourage parents to have these conversations early (when appropriate, of course) instead of waiting until too late. We all know that the first info we get is taken are truth until we are told differently – these young girl issues are not to be tackled late. Sorry, off the soapbox now.

But this context then sets up other issues that are then also seen as normal, and this is where a parent probably has issue. Yes, questioning one’s body, a parent’s religion and the opposite sex is normal; but to put out other questionable “facts” and issues at the same time insinuates that all is normal. That Margaret flippantly mentions her dad’s “Playboy” magazines around the house, that families won’t get along if they are of different religions, that 12-year-old co-ed, virtually un-chaperoned parties are normal – uh, hold up there, Judy! Now I get where all the moms go nuts on her! Yes, Playboy magazines in the house are very 1970s, I get that, but that a father peruses pornography is played off as normal. That a 12-year-old should expect to be put in a closet with a boy at a party and shop for sanitary napkins with your friends (including the belt!) Yes, some information is dated, but it is also not the way many of us would choose to raise our kids. We are a more proactive generation with our children when it comes to educating them this way, but this book puts all these things off as the norm – and at an age when a kid wants to be normal (except where they choose to be different), this is setting them on a different course than many of us would want.

So, as a mom, I would not want my kid reading this book. As an adult who did read this book as a kid, it was a return to my childhood – but I saw very clearly why this book is simultaneously on the Scholastic 100 Best Books list (which, according to the president, is meant to be controversial and incite conversation) as well as on multiple banned book lists.

"The Weird Sisters" by Eleanor Brown

The Weird Sisters by Eleanor Brown
 
You will like this book if you come from a family of all daughters, have cared for a sick parent, and love Shakespeare. Well, if you know me, you know this book is right up my alley. I am the middle of three girls, watched my dad fight cancer and wrote both my bachelors and masters theses on Shakespeare. But I would hope that even if you are not any one of these three that you would like the story.

The Weird Sisters caught my eye due to the title – they are the witches of Shakespeare’s Macbeth, or as Noa pointed out when she saw the cover “hey! The band in the Harry Potter books is called the Weird Sisters!”

The story is set primarily in a small college town where the girls’ father is a long-time Shakespeare professor. He named his three girls after three of Shakespeare’s characters: Rose (Rosalind from As You Like It), Bean (Bianca from Taming of the Shrew) and Cordy (Cordelia from King Lear). He often speaks in Shakespeare’s words and lines and his daughter and wife sometimes do as well, showing that while none of the Andreas women studied Shakespeare, it is undeniably part of their lives. Although none of his daughter’s grasp his passion for Shakespeare, they realize they all have something of the playwright: “Rose’s passion for order. Bean’s for notice. Cordy’s for meaning.”  (p282)

The three daughters each return home to care for their mother who is diagnosed with cancer – or at least that is their public reason. They each are single, at a crossroads and very unsure. Returning home to their ill mother and to each other forces them to face who they are and if they are content with themselves. Returning home as adults, they see each other and their parents as adults for the first time – and most readers know this feeling. Their eyes adjust to viewing the parents are married partners, their siblings are grown women and it causes them to reevaluate what they really think of and feel for each other:  “We have always wondered why there is not more research done on the children of happy marriages. Our parents’ love is not some grand passion, there are no swoons of lust, no ball gowns and tuxedos, but here is the truth: they have not spent a night apart since the day they married. How can we ever hope to find a love to live up to that?” (p143)

The book seems to be written by the three sisters, collectively. They refer to “our parents” and admit to their own stories, but add the “we” and “us” in as if they all know the entire story/each other’s stories.  The girls are three very different people, but there is a “oneness” about how they tell the story, even if the cover tagline of the book is “See we love each other. We just don’t happen to like each other very much.”

While I really liked this book, I thought I would adore it, merely due to the criteria as listed in the first paragraph. But I will surely reread it and hope you try it. One thing I did adore about this book is that every member of the Andreas family is a reader – they carry books with them everywhere and are content sitting in silence, reading their individual books.  As the sisters tell about one of their former boyfriends: “Because despite his money and his looks and all the good-on-paper attributes he possessed, he was not a reader, and well, let’s just say that is the sort of nonsense up with which we will not put.” (p72)

"Where do you find books" or "How do you decide what to read next?"

I am often asked how I find titles, new books to read. The question is usually followed by “I don’t know what to read next.” I can only give my recommendations and here are the places where I pick up titles I want to look into and possibly read:

1)      Friends and family: They know I read and I know they read, so book suggestions are often passed my way.

2)      Magazines and newspapers: Chicago Tribune’s Printers Row Book Section looks great. It begins February 2012 and while I am interested, it is a $100/annual fee to have it delivered with my Sunday paper. Not sure I am that interested. I read the book section of any magazine that has one, no matter the magazine. Everything from Vanity Fair to People to Entertainment Weekly.

3)      Libraries and bookstores: Most of these places have staff picks or bestsellers. I would love to find a staffer whose picks are dead on with me and can always show me something new – but then I have visions of Elaine on “Seinfeld,” sharing her video picks with “Vincent,” who turns out to be a 15-year-old boy. And wandering the shelves, you never know what you will find.

4)      Lists: This can be anything from the New York Times bestseller list to Pulitzer Prize winners to a magazine’s “best of” list. I flip through them all and if something catches me, I look into it.

5)      Basically, if you can retrain your eye to look for books and titles, you will find them everywhere. And sometimes that is not a good thing – I am overwhelmed with all the books I want to read, all the favorites I want to return to, and all the “shoulds” I have on the shelf already.

 Here are some other ideas:

1)      Put it out to as many people as you can that you are looking for a good book. Once people know you are open, they will remember to pass recommendations on to you.

2)      Join a book club…or even start your own. Your best friends may be readers, or you have some casual acquaintances that you wish to know more and they are readers. I joined my current book club at the invitation of two neighbors and the majority of the members belong to the same parish – as we don’t run in the same circles (besides my neighbors), these lovely women are friends who I would not have made if it had not been for the book club.

3)      I will go to the library or a bookstore with a list of books and leaf through them, sometimes even bringing them home. I know they won’t all get read, but I have options and at least have the book in hand and can make a decision. Sometimes there are long books that I can’t tackle due to too many other commitments at that time, so I put it on a “to read” list and can come back.

4)      Don’t be afraid to pick up a book, leaf through it, read a few pages and let it go if it doesn’t work. There are too many great books to waste your time on something that doesn’t do anything for you. And you wouldn’t want to miss out on a great book because you settled for something mediocre. My personal goal is 50 pages – if the book doesn’t get me by then, I let it go.

5)      Just because it doesn’t set your world on fire the first time you try it, it doesn’t mean it won’t get your interest at another point. I have had a few books that I really wanted to like and it took me two, possibly three tries at it before I got past that 50 page mark and it clicked. If the book does nothing for you on the first try, let it go. If it keeps coming to mind or it gets recommended several times, give it another go.

"The Street Sweeper" by Elliot Perlman

The Street Sweeper by Elliot Perlman

I saw this book reviewed in a January Entertainment Weekly. I was somewhat interested in the book but when I read this by the reviewer, I knew I had to pick it up: “In the best kind of books, there is always that moment when the words on the page swallow the world outside -- subway stations fly by, errands go un-run, rational bedtimes are abandoned -- and the only goal is the gobble up the next paragraph, and the next, and the next." -- Entertainment Weekly book reviewer Leah Greenblatt.

I will say this right off – if I had known it was another Holocaust book, I may not have picked it up. I read too many Holocaust books over the last few years and, frankly, needed a breather. However, I am glad that I didn’t realize this book had to do with the Holocaust until a few hundred pages in – by then I was interested and had invested too much time to drop it. Without giving too much away, this “take” on the Holocaust is different in that it is connected to the American civil rights movement. This has not been seen before by me, so it is fresh.

There are multiple characters throughout the book and many pages – some right up until the end – you don’t know the connections. But as the book continually talks about history and that history has many paths that run parallel, you know the connections will happen somehow. The two main characters – a hospital sanitation worker on a work-release program from prison and an apathetic-toward-life history professor – seem as far removed as possible, but around page 115 (of the 617 page book), the connection is revealed. And, without giving anything away, you don’t realize the connection of book’s title until the book is nearly finished – and I would actually like to talk about that with someone, so if you read the book, call me.

There are many characters and multiple stories, switching from decade to decade, changing within chapters without warning. It takes a while to remember all the stories and who is who, but you soon realize that the stories will somehow cross and interweave and staying focused helps remember. And that is so much of what this book is about – remembering, honoring those who have gone before by telling their stories and making sure they are not forgotten. Characters continually impress on those around them that it is incumbent upon the older generation to tell their story and for the younger generation to listen and revere what has come before and to whom they owe their freedoms and their wisdom.

Adam, the history professor, nails the crux of The Street Sweeper while lecturing to his class – “…you never know the connections between things, people, places, ideas. But there are connections. You never know where you’ll find them. Most people don’t know where to find them or even that there’s a point to finding them. Who even looks? Who’s got the time to look? Whose job is it to look? Ours. Historians.” (p117)

I do recommend the book, but only when you have the time for its length and its density. As I was getting close to finishing, I had other reading I had to get to and my class was beginning, so it got a bit rushed – and that does not help the book. When you have the time to dedicate to it and can give it a solid focus, pick it up. I would buy it to lend out, but I wouldn’t reread it. (I got it from the library – big waiting list for that one and I just happened to get it early.)

“She took him to the library where, as she explained, the books would always be waiting for him.” (p68)

One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp

One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp

When we were in Italy last fall, our hotel in Florence was next to a little stationary store called Il Papiro. (http://www.ilpapirofirenze.it/index.asp)  I love paper and stationary and cards and the window display was too enticing. We walked in and I fell in love – even though the music playing was “Harper Valley PTA.” (What!? Not Pavarotti, not Dean Martin’s “Volare,” not “Funuculì Funiculà”? I digress.) I gave it some grace when I met the owner, who is American, and has stores throughout Italy and a few in America. I designed the paper to cover a few journals to give as gifts and kept one for myself. I didn’t know what to do with it but I knew it had to be for something special, something I would want to look at a lot, and something that would be with me for a long time.  As I read One Thousand Gifts in December, it became apparent.

                For the past year, this book has been making the rounds in the Christian women’s circles. You may know the cover of a little girl holding a bird’s nest with eggs resting in it. The basis of the book is one that is common to both people in the church and outside – be thankful. Living a life of gratitude is very in vogue – and not that that is a bad thing. But merely thinking positive thoughts is not enough – it still somehow ends up me-centered and speaking out thanks to no one in particular – it is just putting those thankful thoughts “out there.”

                Voskamp’s book focuses more on being thankful as a commandment from the Lord, and for that alone, I appreciated the book. Voskamp’s writing style does not resonate with me as I tend not be a romantic person – I don’t mean lovey-dovey romantic, but to commune with nature and speak of things with lyrical words. Books filled with rhetorical questions and paragraphs comprised of a single sentence just don’t do it for me (not talking just about her – this is in general). While her writing style doesn’t do it for me, it is how she lives her life and I admire her for it; it is just not me. So, I let that part of the book go and focused more on her message.

                Her message is quite simple but not easy; it is plain yet very complicated and complex. Living in a mentality of thankfulness impacts all parts of our lives, all our attitudes, how we maneuver through life in a God-centered way. I appreciated her reminding me that this is a true, conscious effort: to live with gratitude. It does not come easy when, as the author writes, our lives feel unfulfilled. Any busy mom knows that. We can get short-sighted when we see the laundry and the books left off the shelf and the pair of glasses that have to be replaced again due to negligence. I was glad Voskamp did not turn this into a Pollyanna fix – just think happy thoughts, be grateful and all will be ok. I think we have all tried that for a few minutes and given up – and then felt guilty that we couldn’t hold on to happiness longer.

                It is an overwhelming task to retrain the mind to not be negative and be thankful. This is where Voskamp’s title comes in – one thousand gifts. She began keeping a list of things for which she was thankful and was challenged by a friend to keep it going to recording 1,000 gifts of thanks. Her book encourages keeping that list and as I watched a few friends put it into practice, they all remarked the change they were seeing in their lives.

                I carry my small Florentine journal with me everywhere and whenever I find myself at peace, smiling to myself or overwhelmed by some grace around me, it gets written down. It is this physical practice of being grateful and thankful that reminds me to think more thankfully, to look around me for things to be thankful for, and to voice that praise whether to God to my kids to my husband. It does spread throughout your mind and heart, then to your eyes. It moves toward my words and my hands as I write. It is an actual change that you can feel and see. As I have aged, I realize that big expectations can be defeating and that the small victories are much sweeter and encouraging. Voskamp’s theory works – retraining the mind, one sentence at a time.

                I encourage you to read the book and even if the style does not speak to you, the lessons and encouragements will.

"What should I read?" -- Suggestions on getting started and finding books

Where do I find book suggestions?

I am often asked how I find titles, new books to read. The question is usually followed by “I don’t know what to read next.” I can only give my recommendations and here are the places where I pick up titles I want to look into and possibly read:

1)      Friends and family: They know I read and I know they read, so book suggestions are often passed my way.

2)      Magazines and newspapers: Chicago Tribune’s Printers Row Book Section looks great. It begins February 2012 and while I am interested, it is a $100/annual fee to have it delivered with my Sunday paper. Not sure I am that interested. I read the book section of any magazine that has one, no matter the magazine. Everything from Vanity Fair to People to Entertainment Weekly.

3)      Libraries and bookstores: Most of these places have staff picks or bestsellers. I would love to find a staffer whose picks are dead on with me and can always show me something new – but then I have visions of Elaine on “Seinfeld,” sharing her video picks with “Vincent,” who turns out to be a 15-year-old boy. And wandering the shelves, you never know what you will find.

4)      Lists: This can be anything from the New York Times bestseller list to Pulitzer Prize winners to a magazine’s “best of” list. I flip through them all and if something catches me, I look into it.

5)      Basically, if you can retrain your eye to look for books and titles, you will find them everywhere. And sometimes that is not a good thing – I am overwhelmed with all the books I want to read, all the favorites I want to return to, and all the “shoulds” I have on the shelf already.

Here are some other ideas:

1)      Put it out to as many people as you can that you are looking for a good book. Once people know you are open, they will remember to pass recommendations on to you.

2)      Join a book club…or even start your own. Your best friends may be readers, or you have some casual acquaintances that you wish to know more and they are readers. I joined my current book club at the invitation of two neighbors and the majority of the members belong to the same parish – as we don’t run in the same circles (besides my neighbors), these lovely women are friends who I would not have made if it had not been for the book club.

3)      I will go to the library or a bookstore with a list of books and leaf through them, sometimes even bringing them home. I know they won’t all get read, but I have options and at least have the book in hand and can make a decision. Sometimes there are long books that I can’t tackle due to too many other commitments at that time, so I put it on a “to read” list and can come back.

4)      Don’t be afraid to pick up a book, leaf through it, read a few pages and let it go if it doesn’t work. There are too many great books to waste your time on something that doesn’t do anything for you. And you wouldn’t want to miss out on a great book because you settled for something mediocre. My personal goal is 50 pages – if the book doesn’t get me by then, I let it go.

5)      Just because it doesn’t set your world on fire the first time you try it, it doesn’t mean it won’t get your interest at another point. I have had a few books that I really wanted to like and it took me two, possibly three tries at it before I got past that 50 page mark and it clicked. If the book does nothing for you on the first try, let it go. If it keeps coming to mind or it gets recommended several times, give it another go.