Jennifer is a writer by trade and a very good one. Her prose is easy to read, yet challenging with ideas that ruminate long after the book is closed. I found myself tagging sentences and then going back to reread them after I had moved on as the thought was still banging around in my head.
Jen’s book is her story of “filling the quiver,” as we Christians like to say. She and her husband have three children biologically and one adopted and it is the story of how each came to their lives. As the title states, it is mostly the story of how their daughter Mia became one of their crew and because their family is one unit, the story must be told of how they each fit in their family – each one is made to be part of their lives, no matter how they got there, and how they are invested all in each other. It is a lovely story of how a family “becomes,” what effort it takes and what beauty there is when there was no effort but “it just is.” (The defiance her older children display when Jen questions them about how much Mia is part of their lives although she is adopted – it is a fierce, beautiful display of what a family truly is. I would want Theo, Ian and Isabel in my corner any day. Mia, you have yourself a battalion.)
While Jen and her family believe adoption is right for their family, she does not shame those who do not adopt – in fact, she bluntly says that all people are not made to be adoptive parents (shoot, some people should not be parents at all! – >that< was refreshing to read because while I think it is true, it is most certainly not a very popular thing to say!). She does, however, call the reader to truly consider how we approach, accept and promote adoption: “Is adoption – whether domestic or international – a means by which God opens our eyes to the needs of the world and calls us to love others more?” (p xxiv).
When I was diagnosed infertile at the age of 25, I wondered if it meant that God was calling us to adopt. As any Christian in those same shoes knows, it is a difficult time of prayer to make a wise decision – Are we in this challenge to persevere? Are we pushing against God when this means He is saying “no”? Is he opening our hearts to loving children who are brought to us by adoption? As David did not have the same questions, we pursued fertility treatments and now have three biological children. But that “adoption question” has never left me and I have struggled with it, not sure what it means. When I mentioned my confusion with this, two friends with adopted children told me that maybe the Lord was not leading us to adopt ourselves, but to be supportive in prayer, finances and physical help to those who do choose to adopt. I think this is where Jen is going as well – we should count it a privilege to support parents and agencies that count adoption as their calling.
In her book, Jen is quite open about being a mother. (“If parenting doesn’t do anything else for you, it almost certainly will strip you of your pride. (Can I get an “Amen”?) p25). I do not know Jen well, but it strikes me that she is just too busy to pretend she has it all together, and, frankly, aren’t we just a bit too old at this point to expend our energy faking things? While you may read the book and be unable to connect with Jen because she has four children, four kids close in age, one child adopted, a skilled writer, a Christian – if you are a mother, you will read it and say “preach it, sister.” There is great relief in reading what she writes – she has grace with herself and would extend it to you. And that is a much too rare thing today.
One of Jen’s more endearing, helpful and rare additions to her book are asides that give hints or suggestions in handling potentially awkward conversations where people may not know how to respond – miscarriages, infertility, adoption. While she relays comments made to her that were well-intentioned but mostly painful and annoying (some quite cringe-worthy), she candidly suggests the mere “I am sorry to hear that” or “congratulations” as perfect answers. As someone who has miscarried and been diagnosed infertile, these frank reminders are refreshing and dead on. It again proves that Jen speaks to Everyman and Everywoman and does so with skill and grace.
As I said, Jen’s daughter and mine are good buddies. I know Jen, but not well, and I look forward to talking with her. We have made a coffee date and I anticipate that we will become friends – she seems like one of the good ones.
I recommend Jen’s “Love You More,” whether you are or ever will be involved in your own adoption. It will give you a greater understanding of adoption; open your eyes to where adoption needs your helping hands, finances and support; and as a parent, it will remind you of the gift you have been given.
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